Day 107 - skype hype bs

If I have to look on facebook one more time to see all the fabulous time that everyone had skyping with their hubbies...or so glad their kids got to open presents with dad or whatever...I'm gonna vomit. Don't some people realize that most people are not getting that chance and they could be hurting other peoples feelings? It makes me mad and then it irritates me that I am that mad about it. bull hickey.

well....back to putting on my smiley face:)

love you hunny....one more day down. Next Christmas will be better:)

Day 105 (+ 60) .....I'm over counting now....

A minute passes in the blink of an eye.An hour has passed without even thinking about it. Next thing you know, it's time to go to bed.Before you've had to time to comprehend, the week has flown by. The month only had time to barely register in my mind.And now we are getting ready for Christmas.

Time is such an evil, evil thing. I have never wanted time to pass so quickly, to just leave me in a fleeting moment and it never listens except at the times I don't want it to pass. So many times I have sat on the couch, while the kids are asleep and I'm all alone and time seems to have all of a sudden, come crashing at me like a tidal wave and come to a complete and sudden stop and then I realize how alone I am. And that's when I let myself get upset about all this. That's when time seems to drag and when I look at the clock, hating it because the minute hand never seems to go around the clock fast enough. When the kids are asleep, time stops. And I have nothing to do but sit here and wonder about what I missed when time was going so fast. If you were here, we would be doing nothing special. We would be sitting on the couch, you would probably be falling asleep and I would be trolling around on my computer and we probably wouldn't even be paying attention to one another, but it would be time...slowly spent together.

But time does not listen to me, like a great many things. Today I sat looking at our kids because you left babies...little babies. And now Steven is such a little man. He is carrying on full conversations, and counting to 100 and trying to take care of ME. A song came on the radio the other day, I had turned it on and was dancing for our kids, trying to be silly. And "I'll be home for Christmas" came on again. And I sat, and cried, immediately. In front of our kids. And our children sought me out and gave me comfort. Zayda laid her little head on my shoulder. Steven stopped dancing and looked at me and said, "what's wrong, momma?! what's wrong?!" and then he grabbed his lovey, put it on my shoulder, nestled in my lap and proceeded to stroke my hair and make little ...sh sh shhhhh sounds. How sad is it that our 2 year old was giving me comfort. Like I said, Steven is a little man. And our nugget....oh our nugget. There is on sense in lying and saying that you left a baby and you are coming back to a baby...she is not a baby. She is only about 6 inches shorter then her brother...and he's tall. She is trying so hard to be a big girl...she is just bursting with positive energy and joy. One of my favorite things about her is that, even if just on the TV, when she hears your voice....she RADIATES. So many times, when Steven strokes my arm, or Zayda crawls up and clings to my legs, or the two of them sit and bump forheads and giggle uncontrollably, that's when I want time to stop and slow down..and it never does. The moment is but a fleeting one, and then it's gone.

Getting ready for Christmas without you has been hard...and I still don't feel like Christmas. It's going to be simply going through the motions. I thank God that our kids are small enough that they still don't totally get it. Steven will get that he is getting new toys, but he will not understand that this is a time of family togetherness, of rejoicing in the Blessings that God has so graciously bestowed upon us.

I miss you so much, more then I can pour in the words. I've started to daydream about seeing you again, touching your face, grabbing your hair, entwining my fingers with yours. But most of all, I imagine going to bed at night. I miss our nightly chats. Even tho I know it sometimes irritated you that we would get into bed, and still not be asleep for an hour because I want to talk...it's some of my favorite time with you, my daily digression for the day. But at least we are closer to it then farther away.

you should be opening up your Christmas presents soon. Merry Christmas baby....here's looking to a promising new year.
xoxox
me

1 Cor 13

Day 85 - Putting on my big girl panties

I woke up this morning, Steven was playing his word game on my iphone...and Zayda was making some morning noises. I went to her pack and play, picked her up...got a big smile. I brought her into bed, and pulled the covers over the three of us...just like we would if daddy was here. Steven looked at Zayda, said "well good morning, Zayda! hi, mommy!" and then leaned over and gave me a kiss. I looked at Zayda and she gave me a smile. For just a brief moment in time...my world made sense.

I love you more then YOU will ever know adn I miss you even more.