Day 74 Things are different....

Some things have changed about me...and I thought you should know. It's so odd to think that when we are reunited as a family once again, that we will be the same people but at the same time different. I've had to think hard and come to terms with the fact that we will not be the same after this deployment, and other subsequent deployments. These things just change you, not really bad, just different.

So here's some things that are different and some that are the same:

I still love my coffee first thing in the morning....but I've switched to Hazelnut creamer instead of French Vanilla.

I have learned to crochet like a mad woman...and I think it's my favorite hobby actually. I still like scrapbooking and cardmaking as a 2nd, and sewing comings in 3rd. But this is very gratifying to me.

I don't fart. Yes, that it silly to put HERE but it is important because I think you need to know that my flatulence is YOUR fault. :)

My butt is a little more jiggly. Sorry about that...I'm at the point where I'm pretty sure no amount of time spent on the elliptical will save it. So that's what you are coming home to.

I'm not afraid of my mom anymore. If anything, if coming to Houston, has helped me with that, then I'm good. But when I first got here, I was constantly paranoid that I would run into her. I gave her all that power, for nothing. I've now realized that she's just a sad, pitiful, very angry woman who is lonely.

I wear socks all the time now, instead of just going barefoot.

I've started craving foods that you like and I don't particularly care for. I ordered a Monte Cristo the other day. It was good for the first 5 bites, then I remembered I don't like them.

I've become just a bit, like really just a little bit, more patient. Waiting for the gas tank to fill up still irritates the piss out of me.

Last one...and this is the biggest I think. I've never told you this, never told anyone this. But one reason I was afraid of the deployment was being left alone with the kids. Being the ONLY one they depended on. Why? because I've never felt like a good mother. I've never felt like I can be left alone with them for days upon days and them still be OK. I know it's silly but it's been a terrifying fear of mine some days. While I still don't think I'm the most fantastic mother in the world, I feel better about my abilities.





Your the best husband. The best father. I can't wait till you come home because I'm not a big fan of a piece of my heart floating around in the middle of no where:)

i love you....

Day 56 Big Boy Cup!!!!!!

Day 56 plus 60 days = 116 days. sigh!


So yesterday I bought him a special little cup! He has been showing interest in using it 'big boy style'...so I thought why not! let's give it a whirl. So we brought it out today..and whew! he was super excited! At first, there was a tiny spill...but then he got three glasses of milk...all without spilling a drop! He clapped for himself, got a couple of high fives, and finished off with a huge grin!!!

my own worst enemy....

I dont' like to complain to you via email. For some reason, it just seems wrong. Not to say that I havn't done it but I don't like to and I don't feel like I do it often. Tara and I had a long talk yesterday because I have been beating myself to hell and back over every little thing. I have felt like Steven and I have been at constant battles for the last two weeks. I am being too hard on myself, and possibly too hard on our little guy as well which is probably making his "weird" behavior even worse.

I find myself feeling so.....guilty. It's the only word I can really think of to fit. Guilty that I am here and you are not. I feel guilty when I give in to his tantrums. I feel guilty when I give him a marshmallow and I should have given him a pretzel. I feel guilty when I overreact when he spills milk. I feel guilty when he gets upset that he is sitting in timeout for being naughty. I feel guilty that I am not being good enough of a parent to him. I feel guilty that I made the decision to move away from home, because I wanted to see my friends and not be lonely, but now we are in it to win it. I am my own worse friggin enemy...and it has been eating me up.

I don't think we should spank anymore. for one, so far I am the only one doing it, and I think it is not doing anything except make him withdraw. Actually, I don't know what to do. I do know that I am trying, and I'm trying hard, to raise good, smart kids. I want a sweet 2 year old, not a heathen and I'm trying. I want you to come home to a good little boy and a sweet baby girl, not a child that I have ruined because I'm being ridiculous. It's so hard.

I'm so grateful for the things this life has given us. We are truly a blessed family. I still do believe that this decision, to join the Navy, was the right one for us. But I don't think I prepared myself for this enough. Its just hard. I suppose at least I'm not on the happy pills, yet, right?! lol! I just want to do a good job for you babe, because you are doing such a good job for us.

I love you so much......