my own worst enemy....

I dont' like to complain to you via email. For some reason, it just seems wrong. Not to say that I havn't done it but I don't like to and I don't feel like I do it often. Tara and I had a long talk yesterday because I have been beating myself to hell and back over every little thing. I have felt like Steven and I have been at constant battles for the last two weeks. I am being too hard on myself, and possibly too hard on our little guy as well which is probably making his "weird" behavior even worse.

I find myself feeling so.....guilty. It's the only word I can really think of to fit. Guilty that I am here and you are not. I feel guilty when I give in to his tantrums. I feel guilty when I give him a marshmallow and I should have given him a pretzel. I feel guilty when I overreact when he spills milk. I feel guilty when he gets upset that he is sitting in timeout for being naughty. I feel guilty that I am not being good enough of a parent to him. I feel guilty that I made the decision to move away from home, because I wanted to see my friends and not be lonely, but now we are in it to win it. I am my own worse friggin enemy...and it has been eating me up.

I don't think we should spank anymore. for one, so far I am the only one doing it, and I think it is not doing anything except make him withdraw. Actually, I don't know what to do. I do know that I am trying, and I'm trying hard, to raise good, smart kids. I want a sweet 2 year old, not a heathen and I'm trying. I want you to come home to a good little boy and a sweet baby girl, not a child that I have ruined because I'm being ridiculous. It's so hard.

I'm so grateful for the things this life has given us. We are truly a blessed family. I still do believe that this decision, to join the Navy, was the right one for us. But I don't think I prepared myself for this enough. Its just hard. I suppose at least I'm not on the happy pills, yet, right?! lol! I just want to do a good job for you babe, because you are doing such a good job for us.

I love you so much......