Today is one of those days, in the predeployment era, where I am feeling sorry for myself and my little family. You can only remind yourself so much that your husband is doing a great thing for his country and his family before it even begins to sound like bull-hickey to yourself. I can only remind myself that Jason and I had a completly rational discussion about the time apart that we would face before he decided to seek his commissioning as officer. We had told ourself it would be "OK". We made the choice to do this. Which we did and we are a proud military family; but today....it...just...blows.
Today I am focused on firsts. First everythings that are going to be missed.
The first tooth and the sharp little nub that you feel and every parent gets so excited about and wants to show off to everyone. The first real laugh-out-loud-laughter that makes your heart swell and burst with love that only a parent can feel. The first time she says "dada" and the fact that the person it is meant for is a million miles away and can't truly hear the slobbery, lilting tones of her voice. The first Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Birthday and Valentines Day that Zayda will get to dress up in some ridiculously silly outfit that she will only wear once and show off her cuteness. The first time she gets to hold a big turkey leg from the Thanksgiving turkey and try to take a bite and then have to settle for the mashed potatoes or some of Gramma's stuffing. The first Christmas that she stares at the Christmas tree with all of it's softly glowing lights, simply basking in the wonder of something that looks so magical to someone so young. Her first birthday, when she stares at the candle, not sure what to do with it and her mommy blows it out making the wish for her; "daddy, please come home soon!" Her first steps can only be caught on camera for daddy and hopefully mommy will be able to convey the wobbly sweetness of her pudgy legs taking those first unsure steps, only to see her face light up when she realizes what she is doing and how much quicker it will be for her to get from point A to point B. The first time she realizes she hates pureed carrots or peas or whatever. The first time she decides she doesn't want mama's milk anymore and just wants "big people" food. The first time she pulls herself up in her crib. The first time she throws a little baby tantrum. The first time she gets a little cold and just wants mama or dada to hold her.
And then his little man. How am I supposed to teach him to pee? That's my problem. I don't have the right equipment but we are going to have to work it out. He's not going to be here the first time he actually pees in a big boy potty like a big boy and realizes that he can spray stuff with his "equipment"! He won't be here to see me get all excited to put on his first pair of big boy underwear and see his little butt run away in some Thomas the Train underoos. Or the first time Steven says "I love you" and knows what he is saying.
All this in the forfront of my mind today and I can't make it go away. So I'm going to keep thinking about it until I find a way to deal. And for today, I am going to pack up my kiddos and take them to see Daddy on the ship and see what firsts we can do there. Because even tho that trek up to the ship, across the pier, is a major pain in mommy's butt, it's the least I can do to give him one more memory to take with him for the ones that he won't get to share with me.
Jason, I love you, and you will always be the better part of us for all the sacrifices you have made and will make.
Are you kidding me? You are by far the better part of us. All I do is provide the paycheck. You mold our children into the people they will become. You have to be the bad guy most of the time because I'm not there. You have to stop the tears at 4am, stay up with them when they're sick, scoop the poop out of Steven's underoos when you're training him to use the potty. I mean so little to millions of Americans, you mean the world to the two most important ones. Don't ever sell your job short, you have the most important job in the world.
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