Day 107 - skype hype bs

If I have to look on facebook one more time to see all the fabulous time that everyone had skyping with their hubbies...or so glad their kids got to open presents with dad or whatever...I'm gonna vomit. Don't some people realize that most people are not getting that chance and they could be hurting other peoples feelings? It makes me mad and then it irritates me that I am that mad about it. bull hickey.

well....back to putting on my smiley face:)

love you hunny....one more day down. Next Christmas will be better:)

Day 105 (+ 60) .....I'm over counting now....

A minute passes in the blink of an eye.An hour has passed without even thinking about it. Next thing you know, it's time to go to bed.Before you've had to time to comprehend, the week has flown by. The month only had time to barely register in my mind.And now we are getting ready for Christmas.

Time is such an evil, evil thing. I have never wanted time to pass so quickly, to just leave me in a fleeting moment and it never listens except at the times I don't want it to pass. So many times I have sat on the couch, while the kids are asleep and I'm all alone and time seems to have all of a sudden, come crashing at me like a tidal wave and come to a complete and sudden stop and then I realize how alone I am. And that's when I let myself get upset about all this. That's when time seems to drag and when I look at the clock, hating it because the minute hand never seems to go around the clock fast enough. When the kids are asleep, time stops. And I have nothing to do but sit here and wonder about what I missed when time was going so fast. If you were here, we would be doing nothing special. We would be sitting on the couch, you would probably be falling asleep and I would be trolling around on my computer and we probably wouldn't even be paying attention to one another, but it would be time...slowly spent together.

But time does not listen to me, like a great many things. Today I sat looking at our kids because you left babies...little babies. And now Steven is such a little man. He is carrying on full conversations, and counting to 100 and trying to take care of ME. A song came on the radio the other day, I had turned it on and was dancing for our kids, trying to be silly. And "I'll be home for Christmas" came on again. And I sat, and cried, immediately. In front of our kids. And our children sought me out and gave me comfort. Zayda laid her little head on my shoulder. Steven stopped dancing and looked at me and said, "what's wrong, momma?! what's wrong?!" and then he grabbed his lovey, put it on my shoulder, nestled in my lap and proceeded to stroke my hair and make little ...sh sh shhhhh sounds. How sad is it that our 2 year old was giving me comfort. Like I said, Steven is a little man. And our nugget....oh our nugget. There is on sense in lying and saying that you left a baby and you are coming back to a baby...she is not a baby. She is only about 6 inches shorter then her brother...and he's tall. She is trying so hard to be a big girl...she is just bursting with positive energy and joy. One of my favorite things about her is that, even if just on the TV, when she hears your voice....she RADIATES. So many times, when Steven strokes my arm, or Zayda crawls up and clings to my legs, or the two of them sit and bump forheads and giggle uncontrollably, that's when I want time to stop and slow down..and it never does. The moment is but a fleeting one, and then it's gone.

Getting ready for Christmas without you has been hard...and I still don't feel like Christmas. It's going to be simply going through the motions. I thank God that our kids are small enough that they still don't totally get it. Steven will get that he is getting new toys, but he will not understand that this is a time of family togetherness, of rejoicing in the Blessings that God has so graciously bestowed upon us.

I miss you so much, more then I can pour in the words. I've started to daydream about seeing you again, touching your face, grabbing your hair, entwining my fingers with yours. But most of all, I imagine going to bed at night. I miss our nightly chats. Even tho I know it sometimes irritated you that we would get into bed, and still not be asleep for an hour because I want to talk...it's some of my favorite time with you, my daily digression for the day. But at least we are closer to it then farther away.

you should be opening up your Christmas presents soon. Merry Christmas baby....here's looking to a promising new year.
xoxox
me

1 Cor 13

Day 85 - Putting on my big girl panties

I woke up this morning, Steven was playing his word game on my iphone...and Zayda was making some morning noises. I went to her pack and play, picked her up...got a big smile. I brought her into bed, and pulled the covers over the three of us...just like we would if daddy was here. Steven looked at Zayda, said "well good morning, Zayda! hi, mommy!" and then leaned over and gave me a kiss. I looked at Zayda and she gave me a smile. For just a brief moment in time...my world made sense.

I love you more then YOU will ever know adn I miss you even more.

Day 74 Things are different....

Some things have changed about me...and I thought you should know. It's so odd to think that when we are reunited as a family once again, that we will be the same people but at the same time different. I've had to think hard and come to terms with the fact that we will not be the same after this deployment, and other subsequent deployments. These things just change you, not really bad, just different.

So here's some things that are different and some that are the same:

I still love my coffee first thing in the morning....but I've switched to Hazelnut creamer instead of French Vanilla.

I have learned to crochet like a mad woman...and I think it's my favorite hobby actually. I still like scrapbooking and cardmaking as a 2nd, and sewing comings in 3rd. But this is very gratifying to me.

I don't fart. Yes, that it silly to put HERE but it is important because I think you need to know that my flatulence is YOUR fault. :)

My butt is a little more jiggly. Sorry about that...I'm at the point where I'm pretty sure no amount of time spent on the elliptical will save it. So that's what you are coming home to.

I'm not afraid of my mom anymore. If anything, if coming to Houston, has helped me with that, then I'm good. But when I first got here, I was constantly paranoid that I would run into her. I gave her all that power, for nothing. I've now realized that she's just a sad, pitiful, very angry woman who is lonely.

I wear socks all the time now, instead of just going barefoot.

I've started craving foods that you like and I don't particularly care for. I ordered a Monte Cristo the other day. It was good for the first 5 bites, then I remembered I don't like them.

I've become just a bit, like really just a little bit, more patient. Waiting for the gas tank to fill up still irritates the piss out of me.

Last one...and this is the biggest I think. I've never told you this, never told anyone this. But one reason I was afraid of the deployment was being left alone with the kids. Being the ONLY one they depended on. Why? because I've never felt like a good mother. I've never felt like I can be left alone with them for days upon days and them still be OK. I know it's silly but it's been a terrifying fear of mine some days. While I still don't think I'm the most fantastic mother in the world, I feel better about my abilities.





Your the best husband. The best father. I can't wait till you come home because I'm not a big fan of a piece of my heart floating around in the middle of no where:)

i love you....

Day 56 Big Boy Cup!!!!!!

Day 56 plus 60 days = 116 days. sigh!


So yesterday I bought him a special little cup! He has been showing interest in using it 'big boy style'...so I thought why not! let's give it a whirl. So we brought it out today..and whew! he was super excited! At first, there was a tiny spill...but then he got three glasses of milk...all without spilling a drop! He clapped for himself, got a couple of high fives, and finished off with a huge grin!!!

my own worst enemy....

I dont' like to complain to you via email. For some reason, it just seems wrong. Not to say that I havn't done it but I don't like to and I don't feel like I do it often. Tara and I had a long talk yesterday because I have been beating myself to hell and back over every little thing. I have felt like Steven and I have been at constant battles for the last two weeks. I am being too hard on myself, and possibly too hard on our little guy as well which is probably making his "weird" behavior even worse.

I find myself feeling so.....guilty. It's the only word I can really think of to fit. Guilty that I am here and you are not. I feel guilty when I give in to his tantrums. I feel guilty when I give him a marshmallow and I should have given him a pretzel. I feel guilty when I overreact when he spills milk. I feel guilty when he gets upset that he is sitting in timeout for being naughty. I feel guilty that I am not being good enough of a parent to him. I feel guilty that I made the decision to move away from home, because I wanted to see my friends and not be lonely, but now we are in it to win it. I am my own worse friggin enemy...and it has been eating me up.

I don't think we should spank anymore. for one, so far I am the only one doing it, and I think it is not doing anything except make him withdraw. Actually, I don't know what to do. I do know that I am trying, and I'm trying hard, to raise good, smart kids. I want a sweet 2 year old, not a heathen and I'm trying. I want you to come home to a good little boy and a sweet baby girl, not a child that I have ruined because I'm being ridiculous. It's so hard.

I'm so grateful for the things this life has given us. We are truly a blessed family. I still do believe that this decision, to join the Navy, was the right one for us. But I don't think I prepared myself for this enough. Its just hard. I suppose at least I'm not on the happy pills, yet, right?! lol! I just want to do a good job for you babe, because you are doing such a good job for us.

I love you so much......

Day 39 The Sweetest Things....

I've been thinking about this for a couple of days...about writing this. I know that I have not done very well emailing, and there is no real excuse for it. I try to reason to myself "well after watching over those two all day...I'm beat" but then I remember you have 80 something kids to babysit.

I want to tell you about all the little things the kids have been doing or do on a daily basis...the little things that I just don't remember to say unless I just sit and think about it. I'm sure it will make you feel a little melancholy, but that's not my intent, I don't want to make you sad or feel upset like your not here to see it yourself...I just want to let you in so your know a little more and can just imagine it because I think ultimately it will make you all gooey inside:)

- Zayda loves her lovey just as much as Steven does. When I lay her down, and give her her paci, and then lay her lovey on top of her....she grabs it with both hands and immediately scrunches it up to her face :)
- Steven loves to play Scrabble on my iphone..meaning he likes to swap letters and resign games because it makes a neat "ding!" noise.
- Zayda really doesn't like puffs...at all.
- Steven thinks that most words spell "dog"...thanks hun, lol!
- Zayda really likes to play 'chicken' with the cat..unfortunately I have never let her complete a game to see who would win.
- Steven really doesn't care for rootbeer. crazy!
- Zayda is not a big fan of strawberry jam!
- Steven will now repeat the sound of animal whenever he hears that animal mentioned. Like someone says "horse" on TV then he immediately starts to whinnie.
- Zayda doesn't really like Strawberry Banana food...but likes Banana and likes Strawberry and Banana with oatmeal.
- Steven likes to read Shel Silverstein with Tata almost every night since we have gotten here. And he will sit and listen to her read about 7 or 8 poems to him.
- Zayda will not hold her bottle, unless you absolutely positively make her.
- Steven likes his Cars toy cars but no longer wants to watch the movie.

Here's just a snippet...I'll do this again some time. :)

Day 28 - Bedtime Battles

Oh it was just one of those days! The kids are still in that rut, trying to figure out what is going on. I like that I am in here, but in many ways, I just really wished we had stayed put. There is many pros and cons to leaving vs staying but now I'm not sure if the pros outweighed the cons. There is something to be said for normalcy.

We spent about 45 minutes tonight getting him to go to bed...he just kept crying as he went to sleep, which he can't do, because it will wake up Zayda. So he kept getting put into time out. We did this 3 times before I think he realized that this was not the kind of staying up that he wanted to do. le sigh!

Zayda is such a silly girl! I went to a resale shop today and got her a pink walker with all these buttons adn stuff on it. Steven likes it too, of course. But I put her up to it, and when it started to move forward and her legs went with it, it was like a light went on! She got stupid excited! She went forward about 5 steps before it got to be too much for her. She also had a running argument, not conversation, argument, with herself in the big mirror in Tara's living room. Really cute.

Anway...tomorrow, I will get some pics of her in the walker.

I am doing okay...have been really missing you especially more the last few days. I don't know if it's just being here without you just feels weird or what...but I wish you were here. Only 5.5 more months! I know that sounds silly to say, but really, we have already done 3 and we are FAN-TAB-U-LOUS!

we miss you...
we love you...
and
we are SO proud of you....

xoxoxoxoxoxox

Day 21 - Happy Birthday!

Thought about you a lot today! You got all kinds of birthday wishes on your facebook page...they will be there for you when you can get into port and you feel like checking. Uncle Jim said welcome to 30....so I had to remind you were not quite there yet;) Lets see....you also got birthday wishes from Julie's Tara, Gina, a video card from Mary and the kids, Aaron, David Klaren, Kevin Gray, Laura McCloskey, David King, Alicea Hill and I'm sure a few others, I just don't remember at the current moment in time! I hope you got to do something semi-enjoyable for your birthday...now that I think about it, we should have had a cake in your honor or something, lol. But nope, we did not. We did have some leftover raisen bar, but no cake. So today we went outside for some cocktail fun while the dinner was cooking on the grill. Apparently, as you can tell from the following video (sorry, I couldn't get it to rotate) the only time Steven will shower and NOT complain is if he is outside! Was simply way to cute. I apparently missed him turning around and shaking his butt at the hose!
ohhhhh, Mr. House, we miss you so much...we love you and we can't wait to see you again:)

Day 19 - Bathtub fun!

oh my goodness these two are ri-donk-u-lous! The two of them gave me a run for my money today so I decided to give them a bath together again...and silly silly silly! Steven is so conflicted, he is stuck between wanting to douse her with water and help me actually clean her...silly boy!




Zayda did really well sitting up in the tub, with NO help! I think she was just glad to be by her big brother!




Jason...we miss you and love you so much!

Day 15 - what a funny guy

I'm telling you...he does it on purpose! I think he knows the nugget is in bed and if he gets up at this time, he will get mommy and possibly grandma too, allllll to himself. And he loves to sit in between them on the couch and snuggle!

the only thing that would have been better is if he had had popcorn!

Today was a decent day...didn't do a whole lot becuase I was pretty tired, thanks to our beatiful daughter! I did take a nap with her and she was gracious enough to sleep for a few hours today so that I could with her as well...but of course, that's why it is 1:42 and I am updating this, lol....

I've been thinking more and more about opening a shop...I really like working with yarn! big surprise that I like a new media...I know! Melissa has offered to trade photos with babies/kids for keeping the hat...sweet deal I think....

well...baby, wanted to post day 15. one more day closer to homecoming... love you!

Day 14 - A letter to my husband....

Dear husband of mine.....

I miss your scrawny little butt, which I have been recently assured is becoming super rock-hard abalicious. I really wish I could just give you a big ole hug and a nice little snuggle. I even miss watching you as you fall asleep on the couch at night, and I never thought I would say that! crazy huh?!

But I am worried about you...you seem so sad and like you are not overcoming this deployment issue. We are officially two weeks in but we are really in all actuality, 2.5 months in, and we are so far doing fantastic. I think....the kids are adjusting, and I am fine. We are all in a time where we are just waiting for you to come home and see you again. We know that it is hard, and we all have our moments, and I have my occasional moment where sunglasses are required so no one sees the tears, but we are moving forward and moving on. What can I do from this far to help you get out of your funk and moving on? you make me worry....and I can't not worry about you....you are my best friend, my lover, my heart, the other part of me and you are in a funk...so that makes me in a funk.

*sigh*

Day 10 - ohmygoodnessfreakinghelpmenowplease......

and simply relazing with momma....
.... and in case you forgot...she's Rad like Dad..but unfortunately this shirt got donated to the Behlke's!
-----> and this one is ridiculous...he now will take you by the hand and bring you to the closet and be like "snack! snack!" and think that if he is cute enough you will give it to him!!

<---- I know, I know, me and the foodie pix are a little ridiculous...but you know what? she seriously gets PISSED if you take away her pickle even tho you are just trying to give her a new one!



So, I know that we talked earlier and you said it's hard because it has been only 9 days...well hunny, it has been 3 months, remember? And that's been easy peasy! we can do this...with our eyes shut, and hands ties behind our backs! we are ALL over it!

Pretty easy day really, can't complain. Your daughter being ridiuclous and your son acting ridiculous. Zayda sure is getting pretty bossy when it comes to her food...when she wants it, she like wants it NOW! wonder where she got that from. Steven bought an app off of itunes apparently..but I'm glad that it was at least an app from Parents magazine and it is just a bunch of different sets of flash cards....how nifty is that?! what a smart boy....

anyway...I'm going to go. I can't wait for my laptop to get here, I think then I will be better at updating and emailing you.

we sure do miss you Mr House...:)

Day 6 - I practiced restraint!

So today we got up nice and early and headed out to the Tucson Gem show...it apparently is not nearly as big as the other one but good enough. We spent quite a bit looking around and all the gems and stones and beads were cute, but it was very overwhelming, I didn't know where to start and if I had bought something, I wouldn't have known what to do with it! I did want to buy a necklace that I had seen, made of yellow jade, but your dad took off with my wallet - apparently he was not having the greatest of times :P! So end result, didn't get the necklace....

So check out the pics below.....your little nugget totally tore apart a mini-pancake! We had pancakes and scrambled eggs for dinner, which Steven enjoyed and since they were mini's I let her have one and OMG!!! she totally loves big people food...I think she will be eating that stuff much sooner then Steven did, she is just way to into the food! I told Julie I was going to make her be a pig for Halloween and she said that would be mean? what do you think? lol....





And our little man!love him so sweet and was a total porker at dinner tonight himself...he ate 3 eggs, and 6 mini pancakes...and had just finished 2 bowls of animal crackers. growing growing boy!



Snow White came on tonight and Steven seemed to really like it, so I thought maybe I would look for some of the classics for him :)

<----- and what do you think about this?! we found Lightening McQueen! how cool!

We love you...and miss you...and so very proud of you!!!!!!!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Day 5 - tired tired tired tired...

Fell asleep today, on the floor, with Steven sitting in the crook of my arm because he was being needy and Zayda pulling my hair because she was STARVING (in her defense, it was 5 o clock) but I fell super-way asleep. I only woke up 15 minutes later, and Steven was still in the crook of my arm and Zayda was still pulling my hair, only by this time she had drooled in it too, because Julie yelled out "COFFEE". (sigh)

Long day today...we got up and went on a mission to find pajamas! We had to stop by Costco for diapers and formula and to Old Navy because I had a coupon that expired today. BTW, babe, you bought me a super cute sweater-jacket, Steven two long sleeve shirts for winter and Zayda a long sleeve outfit for winter...thanks...your a peach! all on sale, btw, natch!

So then went to JoAnns and found NOTHING I needed...that's right...NOTHING. Went to Quilters Market and my intent was to find stuff for our quilt but instead I bought a kit to make Zayda a big blanket that is comprised entirely of MINKY! They had a sample quilt already made in the store and I wrapped it around her face and she just positively BEAMED!!!!! so we just had to get the kit.....:)

Steven was in a crabby mood today, all day, so no nap until 4 pm really didn't help the issue...but I guess what are you going to do..it sucks being this far away from things. But we got Zayda bigger jammies which is good because I do not want what happened last night to happen again...talk about feeling like shit! and to think I was just waiting for her to work it out and she was in pain...horrible...:(

well...I am off to finish dad's quilt and then a variety of other projects.

We love you and we miss you soooooooooo much! Kisses to daddy from his babies.

Day 3 - Obsessively checking my email :)

I hate this ship and I love this ship! I undersand what it stands for and what it's purpose is...but it took my husband! This ship is the reason that I sleep with my phone, go to the bathroom with my phone, exercise with my phone...eat with my phone...I'm sure you get my drift.

I spend my whole day constantly updating in hopes that I will have an email, a letter or otherwise, from Jason. Someday, I'm sure, he is actually going to pick up this weird thing called "a pen" and the other weird thing called "paper" and write me an honest to God letter. someday. but until then....I will continue to check obsessively.

Today was a good day...Zayda ran around like crazy on the walker and Steven woke up from his -way-to-short nap in a really good mood so who cares. I had an excellent work out, which is always nice. And Janie came home from the doctor cancer-free, so beautiful.

Oh and Dad and Julie got their new dishwasher and microwave in...so except that fact that you are gone, all is good.

we miss you and love you...

:)

Day 2 - they really don't know

You know what bugs me??? Fakers! Unfortunately we have a few in this family.....ugh, blows!!!!

Day 1 - Poo and Puke has officially Hit the fan...

Well...tranformation once again...I'm going to attempt to do this everyday for you. This way, if you don't always get an email then you can see what is going on, in addition to all the photos that I send you.

This morning I "awoke", which is silly because that would imply that I slept, to your lovely daughter squealing at me and Steven laying across me, moaning, with his hands pressed tight against the side of his head. He is apparently as over Zayda's screaming as I am. But I've declared war on her sleeping habits and I will freaking win! Breakfast, he puked again, which was awesome. They both pooped all over the place...over all, a stellar morning.

They both napped moderatly well...Steven only for 2 hours, but I'll take what I can get when he doesn't feel good :) I am working some more on my dad's quilt, I have the center done but still need to the sashing...pain!

I watched everyone's facebook posts today and felt really detached from it all. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing, but it was kind of just a day for me. I think mainly because I'm just over all the major BS and ready to see you back here again next year...it will fly I promise....

We miss you, Jason, so very much. We love you...

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."


I strongly dislike the fact that I have a short temper and no patience. It is always something that I am constantly working on. Especially now with both kids acting out and not sleeping so I am not, and I feel so displaced. I also have to try to not allow myself to feel like Jason does not think about me enough. I have to get my jealous eyes in check. I hate not feeling like I am the center of his universe. I have to force myself to start out every morning with a positive thought and a pray for guidance. I have to or I will lose control. I have to force myself t get through the day with a smile on my face even this I haven't slept for more then 2 hours at a time in a month because I have to, my kids deserve it. I have to feel like I am keeping my faith in God strong when the truth is I have questioned it recently. Positive thoughts, prayers and hopefully a nice thought from my husband are what gets me through the days now.

Philippians 4:6-7

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:6-7

A friend remeinded me of this the other day and it does make you sit back and try to put things into perspective. There has been a lot of anxiousness going on lately, the large majority of it we can not help. It has really made me try to "let go and let God" but that is always much easier said then done.

I've been trying to rely on my faith this last several weeks, but finding it and holding it are hard to do without the one person who really taught you to do that in the first place. I miss listening to my husband pray for us, and our children. I don't know if Jason quite knows how much time I spend talking to God. It is almost a running dialogue...all day I speak with Him. I usually pray with both of our kids individually every night, asking Him to protect and watch over their daddy. The other night, during a particularly rough night, I held Zayda and prayed for 30 minutes to help me find the way to relieve some stress and not put so much pressure on myself because it was simply moving on to the kids; intuitive buggers that they are.

So these last couple days, especially, I have been trying to remember that God has a plan for us and we need to allow Him to make it happen. We have no control for what He wants us to do, we need to simply know that He knows what is best for us and follow His direction.


I love you Jason and we miss you.

Genesis 31:49

....."And Mizpah; for he said, The LORD watch between me and thee, when we are absent one from another."



I know that these are hard times that weigh heavily on our hearts but remember our faith and remember our love and we will soon be together again. Instead of focusing on the negative side of deployment, keep in mind that we get to do what hardly anyone else gets to do...we get to rediscover one another. We get to fall in love all over again. We get to cherish one another in a way that no one else will understand.

You are my husband, my life, my love, my friend...my everything.

I love you...

goooooodddddd morning daddddddyyyyyyyyy :) off to the zoo today, so that should be super fun! AANNNDDD we are going to Whataburger and Sonic...I'm way excited :) love you

giggles!!!!!!!!

gooooooodddd morning.....

testing testing!

So our kids are totally weird. They should never have a problem with the fact that WE are their parents because in my opinion they are going to top our weird behavior before to long. But I guess what can you expect with as dorky as we are! Zayda is incredibly ticklish which I get is not too odd, but I think the fact that her most ticklish spot is right around her boobs next to her arm pits is pretty friggin' odd. And her preference for nipples on her bottles. Can't be the silicone one, and doesn't want to nurse from the real thing, she wants the hard-to-find latex ones. And sometimes those you even have to squeeze her in mouth before she'll start doing it herself. So kay, that might be more just plain lazy then weird.
But Steven, boy, that kid takes the cake. The oddest thing to date is sticking his finger in his diaper only to remove a poopy finger and licking it. And he didn't seem to upset about it either. just odd and ewwwww! Plus his little penchant for squirelling things around in places whether it be food or toys, it's just odd. That and you never know where you are going to find a snack or a toy.

So yes, our kids may be totally weird but they are also the cutest things around. I love that Zayda likes to be rocked and held very close while she is eating. I mean, she doesn't just want to eat, she wants to be LOVED while she eats. too cute. And Steven, no matter how naughty he has been that day, nothing beats after bath and before bed when he wants to sit as close to you as possible and read book after book. It makes you say it's okay just so that you can sit and cuddle with him some more.

And then the icing is when the kids are sweet to each other. I caught Steven giving Zayda a kiss on the mouth and it about melted my heart. It's moments like that one that make all the sleepless nights, temper tantrums and outright naughtiness just be okay. wouldn't trade it for anything.

Pool side fun!

we went to the pool today and Zayda had her first trip into the pool! I wish it was not as breezy but she still had a good time! Grandpa and I also took Steven to the Sauhrita park the other day and he had fun most of the time. He was not so excited about being pushed down the slide...wonder why that is, daddy? But for the most part it was fun.

I want to, but I really can't.

There are some who say that you need to just have a good cry, and for the most part, I do whole heartedly believe that. There are moments when I just need to have my little pity party and then I can be done with and go about my day. These last few weeks tho, have been hard. I have not been able to throw myself my little pity party. I have wanted to cry and cry and cry but I can't let myself do it. I know most of my Navy wife friends have had their good cry and are now just ready for their guys to be home, but I have not allowed myself that luxury. So much has happened these past two and a half weeks that I am now at the point that I feel that if I let myself cry, then I won't be able to control myself. I have two small, little people who depend on me to maintain control and some semblance of sanity in their lives. There have been a few times that I have gotten choked up and a tear or two came out but I reeled it in and controlled it. It's the only thing I can do at this point. A few times a day, I sit and I wonder if I can get in the shower or go in the bedroom or somewhere for just a minute or two of quiet time, by myself, and have that good cry; but there never seems to be time for me to do that. I can let the day to day get to me. Even where I am now, I am questioning everything. If I'm not worried about my own personal life in WA; I am worrying if we are driving G&J crazy with Steven's 2-year-old-temper-tantrums. *le sigh* it's always something, isn't it?

but....
Zayda tried to giggle today and it was the cutest thing I've ever seen:)